A Vampire Blind Date
by rosalieblack44
Summary: What happens when you set vampires up on a blind date? Read to find out!
1. Chapter 1

I stumbled out of the wings, squinting in the bright light and tripping over a chair. The presenter directed a cheesy grin at the camera as he waved me to the seat next to him.

"Our next contestant is Bella! She's sweet, pretty and a little bit klutzy, according to my source." No prizes for guessing whom that source might be. As the presenter rambled on, I studied the three black screens next to me whilst I considered my options. Going out with Jacob would be a bit awkward, thanks to the whole Renesme thing. Jasper would sit through our entire date looking pained, and I'd keep thinking I smelt or something. And Emmett… why am I even wasting my thoughts on him?

The presenter turned to me. " So Bella, what do you look for in a man?"

" She likes a man who can kill her!" shouted someone from behind screen 1. Emmett.

" So you're a feisty girl, eh Bella?" chucked the stupid presenter. "Well let's see if any of our contestants can live up to your 'needs'. Fire away Bella"

"Um…uh…" I had prepared loads of questions before, but now I drew a blank**." Um… what do you like to eat for breakfast?"** I asked weakly.

Candidate 1: "YOU!"

That would be Emmett then.

Candidate 2: "Something fresh and warm."

Probably Jasper.

Candidate 3: "A nice rare steak."

Definitely Jacob.

**Question 4: which member of Friends are you most like?**

Candidate 1: "Rachel! I've got the hair for it."

Oh god. Mental image.

Candidate 2: "Ross, because we share common values on life."

What, like dinosaurs? No, he's like Ross because he's good at the walking into a room thing, saying hi and making everyone want to kill themselves. Except for with him it's his expression.

Candidate 3: "Joey, because I'm good looking, funny and caring."

You mean you're dopey with an enormous ego.

Question 10: **Where would you propose to someone?**

Candidate 1: "In the back of my Jeep"

Why doesn't that surprise me?

Candidate 2: "By the lake, as the sun is setting."

Ooh, Jasper has a romantic side.

Candidate 3: "In the middle of the woods at full moon."

What, are you like trying to remind her you're not really a werewolf, just a shapeshifter, and you don't phase when it's the full moon?

" O.K Bella, you're ten questions are up! It's time to choose your blind date."

(Drum roll)

Well. Emmett's out of the question. Jacob's been annoying me a bit, so I suppose I'll choose Jasper. He'll be tolerable. So that's why Alice has been so cold around me lately…

"I choose candidate number 2."

" And your blind date is… Emmett!"

WHAAT!!! I must have screamed that out loud, because everyone started laughing. Emmett put his arm around me and grinned in his psychopathic way.

"You…You…You switched places!" it was the only logical explanation.

"Maybe I did," said Emmett, leaning towards me. "Or maybe you just subconsciously love me."

He definitely switched places.

"And now we'll wave goodbye to our new couple, who'll be enjoying a romantic date this Friday" said the presenter. "Let us know if any sparks fly!"

"Oh, believe me," said Emmett as he led me of." They will."

I stepped out of my room in an old sweatshirt, jeans and trainers.

"Wow" said Emmett." You look hot."

" Let's get this over with" I responded, climbing into his jeep. Then I noticed his shoes." Emmett. "I said slowly. "Why are you wearing blue and pink stripy wellies."

" My wellies are bringing sexy back" he sung. I looked at him. He continued. "And the other wellies just don't know how to act."

" Shut up."

"I'm too sexy for my wellies."

" Shut up."

" SEXALICIOUS!!!"

Oh dear god.

" So where are we actually going?" I asked Emmett, trying to distract him.

" Ah one of the great mysteries of the universe. Where are we going? Where did we come from? You will only find out at the end."

" The end being tonight?"

"Depends."

He drove in silence, and apart from the odd "sexalicous wellies" comment. I made no attempt at conversation; he was in one of his annoying moods. After about half an hour of driving, he parked the Jeep. I peered around. We were in the middle of woods I didn't recognise, by a lake.

" Full moon tonight" he commented expressionlessly. I looked up at the sky. Wow. Emmett had said something a. true and b. not completely ridiculous and random. I was so busy pondering this that I didn't notice him leading me to the back of his jeep. I sat down, oblivious to what was going on. Emmett reached into his pocket, and pulled out a packet of haribos, and reached inside it. He then stood up, with an evil smile.

" Bella." he said. "I want to ask you something." He very slowly got down on one knee, and took out a haribo ring. "Will you marry me?"

WHAT THE HELL!!! I thought.

" WHAT THE HELL" I screamed. And then ran. For my life.

**A/N: The sexalicious wellies are attributed to my friend Jess, who writes as twilightxharrypotter**


	2. Chapter 2

**Vampire blind date: chapter 2**

**Dedicated to my first three reviewers, twilightxharrypotter, bornagoof and dawn run. Please keep on reviewing, and please suggest who Alice should date. Maybe Edward, they can play chess all night…**

**RPOV.**

Oh no. This is a nightmare. The boys are up to something. Why else would they insist I didn't watch Bella's 'performance'? Knowing Emmett, it'll probably involve custard pies, or water bombs or something to that effect.

"O.k., babe, you're on in 5 minutes" said the make up artist, beaming and sweeping a little blusher on my cheeks. I rolled my eyes. He must be having a field day, one after another gorgeous vampire.

" I told you not to call me babe." I said fiercely.

" Oh, sorry sweetie" he responded. I resisted the urge to kick him hard. No, make that nudge him, that would floor him. I was contemplating this as I was pushed into the wings.

" And we're on in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, action!" This is it. I did my catwalk across the stage; hands on hips, shoulders back, head high and walk. The presenter looked a bit stunned, well most people do when they first meet me. I sat down and directed him a 'yes I know I'm gorgeous and you're getting on my nerves' look.

" Uh, so this is Rosalie!" he said, regaining his consciousness. " She's been described as a stunner with a bit of a temper! So do you think she'll meet the boy that can tame her heart tonight?" he asked the audience. I looked at him.

" Anyway, why don't we just get on to the questions" he said quickly.

**Question 1: what kind of shampoo does use?**

Candidate 1: "Anything that's not red coloured."

_Jasper is so playing up this 'I can't be reminded of blood thing.' What's he going to do, bite the bottle?_

Candidate 2: "What kind of superficial question is that?"

" Actually it's very important. I don't want to be running my hands through pina colado scented hair, do I?

Candidate 2: " fine, I choose any Italian brand, for my special someone… "

_O.k., first of all that's Edward, secondly he's so just trying to get on my nerves with that 'special someone' thing, and also ITALIAN SHAMPOO!!! GAYORAMA!_

Candidate 3: "I don't really have time to wash much, so I just spray on some anti-tick dry shampoo."

_No prizes for guessing whom that are. Pick the only mutt at the table. At least he's showing he doesn't fancy me. Unless anti-tick shampoo is meant to turn me on._

**Question 4: "what kind of pet would you like?"** _Look, I can't be bothered to ask intellectual questions. I'm already pretty sure who I'm going to choose._

Candidate 1: "I'm not sure how comfortable I would be with an animal around.

_Jasper is seriously getting on my nerves. WE ALL LIKE BLOOD. Get over it._

Candidate 2: "A cat, because they're intelligent and it could keep me company at night."

_He's got a point there. I wouldn't mind a cat actually. I'd train it to hiss at humans and bite werewolves._

Candidate 3: "A blonde dog, so I can practise my blonde cracks on it."

_Ha ha, very funny. Not._

**Question 10: Finally, would you rather go out with a slut or a geek?**

Candidate 1: "definitely geek, though that's a very shallow term. Intelligence is an important factor in my relationships."

_PAH. This is also known as the lying test. And Jasper is a big liar!_

Candidate 2: "hymn… how about a sluty geek? So basically a pretty girl with a brain."

_Then why's he going out with Bella? Good answer though._

Candidate 3: "Give me a slut any day! You would know all about that, huh Rosalie?"

_I hate him so much! Not just because he doesn't fancy me, though that is weird. Must be a werewolf thing._

"O.k Rosalie, you're questions are up!" boomed the presenter. "It's time to make your choice."

_Well, obviously not Jacob. Jasper is really annoying me, so I guess Edward. Well, at least it might annoy Bella. _

" I choose…"

**JPOV**

This is such a laugh! Remind me always to play blind date with vampires! Anti-tick shampoo! Blond dog to make blond cracks at! This is so fun! I can just picture Rosalie's face. Shame she hasn't bitten the presenter. Oh, Edward and Jasper are coming over her.

" Hey guys, isn't this hysterical? Remind me to hang out with you vampires more often. Hey… what are you doing?"

They took me by one arm and dragged me over to Edwards screen. I struggled, but there are two of them all right! And those vampire's are strong! Then I heard Rosalie's voice.

" I choose… Candidate number 2." And then they threw me on to the stage.

**RPOV**

What! What the! What! Jacob! No! That's wrong! I have to go on a blind date with Jacob!?

" And our lucky couple are united!" said the stupid, stupid presenter. " So Rosalie, what do you think of your new man?"

" I…I… "

"Lost for words are we? Well this is one cute couple!"

The weird thing is, Jacob looks as surprised as I did. What was going on? We hastily walked to the wings. I turned to him.

" Explain." I uttered coldly.

" I'd like that myself." He retorted. Edward and Jasper walked through the door, looking like they were tying to smother a laugh.

"Explain." We said at the same time. They both fell about laughing.

"You see," said Jasper, wiping his eyes. "We're setting up all the girls up with their least favourite guy. Edward reads their minds, and then knows whom she's going to choose. Normally the guy knows…"

"… But Jacob would never agree to it, so we didn't tell him." Finished Edward, still in hysterics. They are dead. So dead. Edward looked at me.

"So, you were going to choose me, were you Rosalie?"

Oh no.

**EPOV**

I watched them walk out the exit, next to each other but not really together. They sat down awkwardly on a bench. Jacob said something. Rosalie gave him her death glare. (Or as she refers to it in her thoughts, her 'Coca Rocha' look.) Eager to hear their conversation, I crept forward as fast as (vampire) lightning.

" I want to go to the four seasons!"

"Too bad, I want to go to KFC!"

" Four seasons!"

"We can't all be stinking rich like you!"

" We're not all big fans of scummy takeaways!" I decided it was time to intervene.

" Guys, Guys, chillax. El Maestro is here, with his glamorous assistant." Jasper leaped out the bushes, grinning.

" Ve have a plan to solve your dilemma." He said in a German accent. I flashed through everyone's minds to assess the situation.

_Rosalie: ' Great, a psycho for a brother and a mutant for a date.'_

_Jacob: ' It must be a blond thing.'_

_Jasper: 'I cannot do a German accent.'_ Anyway, back to the real world.

" Rosalie can choose where to go out for the first half of the date." I looked directly at Rosalie. "And she'd pay for it. Then Jacob chooses the second half."

I quickly scanned their thoughts. Oh yes. This was going to be good.

**My next chapter is Rosalie and Jaspers date. Believe me, it's going to be good.**


	3. Chapter 3

**First I'd like to thank all my reviewers for encouraging me. Keep them coming please! Thanks especially for Dawn Run, for her great story forbidden attraction (which I recommend.) and reviews. I would say I love you all, but there could be someone evil reading this, who I don't love. Isn't it so annoying when at concerts singers go "I love you all!" You don't even know us! O.k, maybe I should stop rambling now…**

**RPOV**

Great, Another text message from him.

"I'll pick you up in half an hour. Wear something posh!" I texted back,

" I think that applies to you. No top is not accepted in my social circle."

" Really? It is in mine!" he replied. I rolled my eyes. Idiot. Anyway, back to the pressing matter at hand. Floor length gown or sexy suit?

**JPOV**

I tonked my car horn. Good, she looks even more glamorous than I expected. How expensive would that dress be? I'm no expert, but silk gowns dripping with diamonds tend to cost a bob or two. I got out and extended my arm towards her.

"Enchanted, Mademoiselle." I said. She looked me up and down, and a smile crept over her face. Well, I do look a mess. Matted hair hanging over my face, frayed denim shorts and an oil smeared top. All the better…

" I'm driving," she ordered, climbing into the front. Excellent, everything is going to plan. I got into the back and pulled up a screen in front of me. Rosalie turned around suspiciously.

" I'm not driving with that behind me. I can't see what you're up to."

" If I even breathe on you, you have permission to mash me into a pulp." I promised. That satisfied her.

**45 minutes later…**

" O.k, mutt, we're here." Said Rosalie. This was it. The moment I've been waiting for.

**RPOV**

My jaw dropped as he stepped out the car in a tuxedo, white ruffled shirt and black trousers. His previously long hair was now cropped short and slicked back, and his face was scrubbed spotlessly clean. As he bowed, the scent of Emporio Armani for men wafted past me. He stepped back and did a little twirl.

" Whadya think?" Oh God. Mental overload of insults. Before I could select one, Jacob took me by the arm and towed me towards the door. It's O.K, I told myself. Relax. He will struggle hopelessly with the activities on tonight's agenda. The doorman bowed as we entered.

" Sir, Madam." Jacob nodded at him, passed over our coats and stepped smoothly into the ballroom.

" So, where is the host? We should go greet her and thank her for the invitation." I looked at him, stunned, and then regained my sarcastic status.

" Since when did you know polite etiquette?" I asked.

" There's a lot you don't know about me, Rose." He responded, pulling me onto the dance floor and leading me in a perfect waltz. I felt

a. Pissed off

b. Flabbergasted and

c. Overwhelmed by the perfume.

My face must have reflected these feelings, because he laughed. I scowled at him.

" You've got a lot of explaining to do. How did your hair disappear? How do you know how to dance? And how the hell did you discover perfume?" I gabbled. And believe me, I'm not usually a gabbling person.

" Wig. Learnt. Secretly gay." He said, twirling me effortlessly. "Your hair looks nice by the way. Did you darken it? You should try brunette. Though you know what they call it when blondes who dye their hair brown? Artificial intelligence." He cracked up.

" Why are blonde jokes so short?" I snapped back. " So brunettes can remember them."

" Ooh, some body's been practising at home" laughed Jacob.

I sighed. This was going to be a long night.

**JPOV**

This is going better than I could of dreamed! First time I saw Rosalie lost for words! All those dancing lessons with Carlisle really paid off. And now she'll make an idiot of herself at KFC. But it's the Quilettes KFC. Anyone who doesn't know how to act and talk proper will be booted out. One look at that dress and she'll be thrown out. Rosalie hammered on the toilet door.

" You done in there?" she yelled.

" Yop." I said, coming out in my original outfit.

" You're driving, by the way." She said.

" Gotcha!" I winked. She rolled her eyes, and pulled up the screen. I couldn't be bothered to protest.

**45 minutes later…**

"Were here!" I called, opening the door. My face fell.

Rosalie was dressed in baggy jeans, a t-shirt with led-zeppelin on it and sneakers. SNEAKERS. ROSALIE OWNS SNEAKERS.

" Shewa… wa… wa…"

" Oh yeah, do you like the top? I got it from TK Max for a fiver."

" You've been to TK Max?" just then, a guy walked past, going into KFC.

" Yeah blud, it's real sick innit." Said Rosalie really loudly. The guy turned around. Reject her. Reject her. Please.

" Yo Jacob, whose ya bitch?" he said, checking Rosalie out. "Nice to know someone's pulling tonight." He walked off.

What the hell!

" How do you know street speech?" I gasped.

" I'm just so multi-talented" she grinned, flicking her air and striding into KFC. I followed. Surely she'll trip up sooner or later? Rosalie walked up to the counter.

" Yo, vat'll be two chicken buckets wiv extra fries man. I'm totally skint so I want the cheap one, alright?"

I was speechless. Rosalie went down to one of the tables with y mates on. O.k, this is the bit where they smell she's a vampire. C'mon guys!

" Hey guys, sup? Vis is real dope hangout right." I waited. They didn't smell her, and then throw her out. I pulled her to the side.

"How are you doing this?" I gasped.

" I took some of your, hair, crushed it in water and poured it over me. I have to admit, it was kinda gross. Smell." She held out her wrist. "Essence of Jacob." She sat down as her food arrived.

" Man, this food is butterz innit?" she said.

DAMN ROSALIE. DAMN HER TO HELL.

**Whaddya think? Oh by the way review. Or die. No really, I'm serious. Or as my** **friend Jess says (twilightxharrypotter) says "never be serious… always be Sirius!" yes she's in love. Yes, I hang out with retards. Oh, FYI, I don't own twilight. Or I wouldn't be on here writing fan fiction, would I?**


	4. Chapter 4 AN

Okay, not officially a chapter buuuttt….

Sorry for not updating.

I need ideas for Alice's blind date. I if I don't get any ideas/ reviews I will stop the story … do you want that? NOOOO!!!! SO REVIEW!!!!

Um, sorry for that spaz attack. And also thank you Vivienne Westwod for being cool!!! Yes, I'm a retard. Opposed to all the normal people on fanfiction.

I have this on my profile:

**93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile**

**LOLZ!!! The other day this girl goes to me "you're such a freak!" and I went "what was your first clue?" LOLZ! **

**sorry for the randomness.**


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